So, I was reading about this incredible study—it’s actually the longest one ever done on happiness. These Harvard researchers started tracking hundreds of people way back in 1938. They’ve followed them for their entire lives—over 80 years now—just to figure out what makes us thrive.
And after all that time, the single biggest takeaway is crystal clear: It’s our relationships. More than money, more than a big career, more than anything else, it’s the quality of our close relationships that determines our happiness.
What this study shows is that love isn’t really about finding some “perfect person.” It’s about how you two keep showing up for each other, day in and day out. This is what I wanted to share with couples that I am helping prepare for a long and happy marriage.
The couples who were happiest and healthiest didn’t live in some perfect harmony; they didn’t avoid conflict. They just got really good at staying connected through all the inevitable ups and downs.
When the researchers looked at what these happy couples actually did, it came down to a few simple, real-world things.
First, warmth is more important than perfection. It wasn’t about how “compatible” a couple looked on paper. What mattered was how kindly they treated each other, especially when life got stressful. You know, when one of you is sick or work is a nightmare. A gentle tone, a small gesture of affection… that stuff did way more good than trying to have some long, serious talk about the “problem.”
Next, they learned to repair things quickly after a fight. Look, you’re going to argue. Every couple does. The ones who made it weren’t the ones who didn’t fight—they were the ones who didn’t let that anger and resentment just sit there and take root. A simple, genuine “I’m sorry” or “Hey, can we start over?” went such a long way. How fast you two can recover after a disagreement? That’s one of the biggest predictors of long-term happiness.
This one’s huge: They stayed curious about each other. It’s so easy to think you know everything about your partner after a few years, right? But we’re all constantly changing. The happiest couples never stopped being interested in who the other person was becoming. They stayed curious about each other’s thoughts, their new dreams, and even just the small struggles of their day. That curiosity is what keeps the connection feeling fresh, even after decades.
And finally, they nurtured the friendship, not just the romance. The strongest marriages all had a rock-solid friendship underneath the love story. They were teammates. They laughed at the same silly things, they went on little adventures, and they just had each other’s backs. When you have that bond, that “we’re in this together” feeling, keeping the romantic spark alive becomes so much easier.
When you strip it all down, this 80-year study doesn’t give us some secret formula. It just reminds us that the love you two have is built on all those small, daily choices.
It’s choosing warmth over criticism. Choosing to repair things over holding onto pride. Choosing to be curious instead of just assuming.
Lasting love isn’t something you find. It’s something you two make, one small act of connection at a time.