If you’ve ever wondered why some couples seem to weather anything while others fall apart over small stuff, Dr. John Gottman might have the answer. He’s spent decades studying what makes relationships thrive—or tank—and what he discovered is surprisingly simple: happy couples aren’t luckier or more compatible. They just build their relationship like a strong house—one floor at a time.
Gottman calls it The Sound Relationship House, and it’s made up of seven “floors.” Think of each floor as a level of connection, trust, and shared meaning that supports the one above it.
I’ve long been a fan of Gottman and often used many of his principles in face to face prepmarital prep that I’ve done with couples.
Here’s a quick tour through the house:
1. Build Love Maps
This is the foundation—knowing each other’s inner world. What’s stressing your partner right now? What are their current hopes or worries? Happy couples stay curious about each other, even after years together.
2. Share Fondness and Admiration
Instead of focusing on what your partner does wrong, you notice and appreciate what they do right. Gratitude and respect are the glue that keep affection alive.
3. Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away
It’s the little moments—looking up when they talk, sharing a laugh, checking in during the day. Every time you respond, you’re making a “bid for connection.” Ignore too many of those, and the house starts to crack.
4. The Positive Perspective
When those first three floors are strong, you naturally see your partner in a better light. You assume the best intentions instead of jumping to the worst conclusions.
5. Manage Conflict
Notice Gottman doesn’t say “avoid conflict.” Disagreements happen, but it’s how you handle them that matters. Couples who fight fair—listening, taking breaks when needed, and showing empathy—don’t destroy what they’ve built.
6. Make Life Dreams Come True
A great marriage helps each partner chase their dreams, not give them up. You support each other’s goals and celebrate the wins—big or small.
7. Create Shared Meaning
This is the top floor—the view from the penthouse. It’s about feeling like you’re part of something bigger than just two people. You have shared values, traditions, and a sense of “us.”
When couples struggle, it’s often because one of these floors is shaky. But the good news? You can always rebuild. The strongest relationships aren’t perfect—they’re under construction, constantly being maintained by two people who keep showing up.
If you and your partner want to grow stronger, start at the bottom and work your way up. One loving, intentional floor at a time.