🎭 You want the ceremony to be a one-person show
It’s about you! The guests don’t come to see me audition for America’s Got Talent.
🍹 You want someone to drone on until the guests start dreaming of the open bar
My ceremonies last around 15 minutes. Just long enough to be memorable, not long enough for numb legs.
😬 You want someone who might call the groom by the bride’s ex’s name
I don’t even know the ex’s name… and let’s keep it that way.
🙄 You want someone who forgets to cue guests to stand or sit
I did that once, years ago. Learned my lesson.
📸 You want someone who photobombs your “first kiss”
I will dive, roll, or cartwheel out of the shot if necessary.
📝 You want to wonder if your marriage license is legally binding
I’m the real deal—no “$19.99 and a click” ordination.
👕 You want someone who dresses like they’re attending a BBQ
Unless… your wedding is at a BBQ. Then pass the brisket.
🤫 You want someone to spill your embarrassing secrets
That’s your maid of honor’s department.
🚨 You want someone who freezes when things go off-script
I’ve seen wardrobe malfunctions, runaway flower girls, power outages… bring it.
📚 You want a ceremony stitched together from random internet scraps
Mine’s road-tested, heart-approved.
🤓 You want a ceremony peppered with groan-worthy dad jokes
Those are for my grandkids—unless you beg for one.
📄 You want someone who loses their place mid-ceremony
My script is glued to my hand.
📧 You want someone who ignores your emails
If you don’t hear from me within 24 hours, it’s google’s fault.
🗣 You want someone who mumbles or rambles
Clear, confident, and to the point—Scout’s honor.
😎 You want a nervous wreck at the altar
Nope. Cool as a cucumber.
⏰ You want someone who thinks “fashionably late” is a personality trait
I’m there an hour early. Thank-you GPS.
📢 You want someone to turn your wedding into their soapbox
Not my style.
👻 You want someone who might ghost you last minute
I’ve never missed a wedding. Not once.
🪢 You want someone who’s rigid about ceremony details
Your day, your way.
🤖 You want someone to deliver vows in a monotone drone
Nope. Unless you specifically request “robot mode.”
🎁 You want a surprise twist in your ceremony
The only surprise will be how smooth it all feels.
💍 Bottom line: If you want a ceremony that’s fun, meaningful, and all about you, I’m your guy.